MUSIC JOKES

To be fair I will start with a guitarist joke first. Enjoy....

Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?

A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?

A: Pay for the pizza.

Q: What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?

A: 1.) I am not too loud! 2.) I have already turned down!

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?

A: Gifted.

Q: "Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?"

A: "Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

Q: What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter through the kitchen?

A: A musician.

Q: Two guys are standing on the side of the road. One's a musician and the other one doesn't have any money either.

Q: What do you call a person who hangs around with musicians?

A: Deaf!

Q: What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: What do you call a person who plays every instrument?

A: Eric (Ear-ache)

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund?

A: The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Q: What did the bass player get on his I.Q. test?

A: Drool.

Q: How many vocalist's does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They just steal someone else's light.

Q: How do you tell if the stage is level?

A: The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Q: Johnny says to his mom: "I want to be a vocalist when I grow up."

A: Mom: "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in the car?

A: He had to break the window to get the bass player out.

Q: What were the drummer's last words?

A: "Hey, guys, check out this song I wrote.

Q: Did you hear about the drummer that could play a steady beat?

A: Me neither.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A: A singer

Q: What do bass players use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: How's a conductor like a condom?

A: It's safer with one but better without!

Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?

A: Shoot one.

The stages of a musician's life:

1.) Who is (insert name)

2.) Get me (insert name)

3.) Get me someone who sounds like (insert name)

4.) Get me a young (insert name)

5.) Who is (insert name)

Q: How can you tell if there's a drummer at the door?

A: The knock speeds up.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They have machines to do that now.

Q: What do drummers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: How does a lead vocalist change a light bulb?

A: He just holds on and the world revolves around him.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who should you ask directions from: an out-of-tune bass player, and in-tune bass player, or Santa Claus?

A: An out-of-tune bass player. The other two indicate that you were hallucinating.

Q: How many union roadies does it take to plug in an amp?

A: Eleven. You got a problem with that?

...and finally I will also end with a guitarist joke, again to be fair to all

he other instruments.....

Q: What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?

A: Laughing at 'em

Translations: by the great Steve Morse! Buy all his CD's while your at it!

I got it in one take. (Translation: I got it after spending all day in the studio.)

2p.m. rehearsal. (Translation: 4p.m. rehearsal.)

That guy can only play fast and he has no emotion. (Tanslation: I can't play fast.)

Hey guys, I'll be back to finish practicing after I get some pizza (Translation: See you tomorrow.)

That guy is totally boring (Translation: I wish I could get my guitar to sound like that.)

Last night I had to drive the whole way myself (Translation: It was a 50 mile trip.)

Hey guys, I figure it's time we started playing some of my songs, too! (Translation: I'll be fired shortly.)

It's only five sets each night. No problem. (Translation: The last guitarist in the band went nuts.)

The record is not selling well (Translation: This is the only music-business phrase that does not require translation.)

If you don't think I'm going such a great job managing your career, then just go get someone else! (Translation: If you read your contract carefully, you'll see that I've got you by the balls.)

The soundboard just crapped out on me (Translation: The reason your mic was off is that I forgot to un-mute it)

It'll sound a lot better when the people come in (Translation: Soundcheck is over.)

The club owner said he'd provide a ride for us back to our rooms (Translation: call a cab.)

The club owner said we had a good night and he wants us back (Translation: The club owner must be new to the business.)

The club owner said he lost money, but he wants us to come back on the next trip (Translation: The club owner made good money and is not new to the business.)

It's a routing date. It's right on the way to your next gig (Translation: It's going to pay less than your expenses for that day.)

It's the hottest club in town. There's always record-company people there checking out new bands (Translation: You're going to pay to play)

You'll be playing for a percentage of the door (Translation: Keep the guest list down to a reasonable number so you can buy gas to get home)

Improvising (Translation: Finding a way to fit all your equipment in your mom's car after your van breaks down.)

I just have a few names for the guest list (Translation: I just have 25% of the capacity of the gig to put on the list.)

So, I hear you guys are playing in town tonight (Translation: How many eople can I put on your guest list?)

Hey man, long time no see. I was just calling to check in after not talking to you for the last couple years (Translation: How many people can I put on your guest list?)

Let's just try another take (Translation: That take was fine, but I think we're supposed to do a lot of takes for some reason.)

Digital just doesn't work for rock and roll. It changes the sound too much. (Translation: Digital reproduces the sound too much like the way you played it.)

I must have written at least 50% of every song on the album and I never even got a songwriting credit! (Translation: Once when I dropped by, they were trying some new material and I said it sounded cool)

Spinal Tap wasn't a funny movie at all. (Translation: I've lived the entire story.)